Hobbit distressed by cinematic adventure

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In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. This particular hobbit, a fine fellow by the name of Bilbo Baggins, recently (in the year 2941 of the Third Age, or the year 1341 of Shire-reckoning) went on “An Unexpected Journey” to lands far from his comfortable hobbit-hole in the Shire where he experienced “The Desolation of Smaug” and fought in “The Battle of the Five Armies.”

But Mr. Baggins had a bit of a problem along the way: his journey took three movies instead of two. Many a time, Bilbo wished that Sir Peter Jackson, the director of the Hobbit movie trilogy of which he found himself the protagonist, had kept the film series closer to J.R.R. Tolkien’s book “The Hobbit,” or “There and Back Again.” But, just as Bilbo’s companion Thorin Oakenshield was obsessed with the Arkenstone, Jackson was obsessed with that one commodity all moviemakers covet: box office sales. And it is a commonly known fact that three movies usually make more money than two.

So our hero had to endure pointless action sequences, massive CGI (Computer Generated Image) bloat and an interspecies relationship just so that Jackson had enough filler material to turn a small children’s book into an eight-hour film spectacular. Bilbo was distressed that what should have been a nice walk to the elf-city of Rivendell turned into an unnecessary orc chase and that his daring acts that freed the dwarves from the dungeons of the elf-king Thranduil resulted in a three-way battle during which he was nearly drowned inside a barrel.

Mr. Baggins often found himself jealous of his nephew Frodo Baggins, whose “The Lord of the Rings” film trilogy was treated with much more finesse and filmmaking genius by Jackson than his own movies were. LotR was widely praised by critics and the general public alike, and Bilbo suspected that Jackson was attempting to duplicate the epic scale and tone of the Rings trilogy with the Hobbit movies. The only problem was that “The Hobbit” is not “The Lord of the Rings,” despite the director’s attempts to convince moviegoers otherwise.

Bilbo was also astounded at some of the sheer stupidity he encountered on his quest. He was astonished an elf could stand on the heads of two dwarves and accurately shoot Orcs while floating down a river. And Bilbo was stunned that as Smaug flew forth from the Lonely Mountain, the dwarves tried to cover the dragon in molten gold … that melted instantly … after being poured into a mold of a giant dwarf statue …

Bilbo was ashamed of Jackson’s grasp of physics.

However, as much as our heroic hobbit was disappointed in many aspects of his cinematic journey, he had to admit his many adventures were actually pretty entertaining. Sure, his adventures didn’t match the sheer wonder of “The Lord of the Rings,” and sure, his journey was rife with uncomfortable and stupid happenings that nearly drove him mad. However, his voyage was still fun to watch and engaging to audiences who witnessed it.

Even so, after all was said and done, Bilbo Baggins was glad to get back to his hole in the ground.